Boobies!

Quick lesson in breastfeeding:

No milk right away

Just colostrum; super dense-vitamin/immunity packed goo, which is ok since baby's belly is the size of a marble anyway. It's pretty weird looking- not at all what you expect 'breast milk' to look like.

Milk comes in on about Day 3 

All at once in the middle of the night so you go to bed a full pregnancy-C cup and wake up effing Kim Kardashian. 

Engorgement sucks

Up until your milk comes in it's all sunshine and roses- baby gets full quickly because his little belly is tiny, boobs are pleasant.... DUN DUN DUN- when the milk comes in they are full, hard and sore as a mofo. Everytime you feed or pump to get rid of engorgement- it signals your body to.... make MORE milk. I know, I know- that's what it is supposed to do but dayum- the girls would just like one night of peaceful sleep where they don't wake up feeling like they just got used in a soccer game.

It Hurts!

I don't care who tells you it doesn't hurt if you are doing it right- they are LIARS! My son is a natural with his wide open little mouth, pink lips all around the edges- we have the stance perfected! His chin and nose touch by big ol' boobie, resting on our little pillow and..... IT HURTS. It has taken me a month and countless blogs/posts to discover this: My son is an aggressive eater. All of these articles say "Two weeks" or "Three Weeks" it will stop hurting, "Use Lanolin" "Use heat packs" "Use ice packs" etc, etc... I finally seen one lady in the comments say: " My first two kids were easy- after about two weeks the soreness went away. My third child was just an aggressive eater, he had a strong jaw that just worked by poor breast/nipple- it went away after about six weeks"

Well, Hell... two more weeks I guess. He is so adorable though, I can't fault him. He attacks the boob like I've been starving him and them makes yummy sounds the whole time he eats- I adore him.

I feel your pain Mama Piggy

You leak

Once you do start making real milk it comes in with a vengeance, since you are new at this it has no regard to where you are, what time it is or who you are with when it decides to let down. Getting out of the shower and hear the baby cry? Boobs say "Let it out!!" Feeding on right side?? Left boob says "Let it out!!"

My sister tells me, "Just wait til you try to have sexy time again and you leak!" Oh man, something else to look forward to.

Pumping isn't easier

Eventually I will return to work, hopefully to 2-twelve hour shifts instead of 5-eight hour shifts. I decided to try and stockpile a milk supply. The pump hurts too!! If not worse than nursing. The pump isn't some sweet-smelling darling at your breast, it is a whirring angry robot sucking you dry- it pulls your whole nipple into the cone shaped contraption- PS your body doesn't like the pump so you have to trick it to let down milk- I found feeding on one side and pumping at the same time on the other helps. If I am engorged and my little fella isn't hungry??? I have to o literally squeeze the milk out of my breast- one blogger suggested "Squeeze those babies like lemons ladies". I would get so frustrated when I was only pumping ½ - 1 ounce every time, but now that I am getting 5 ounces- I feel that my child won't starve when I go back to work.

You are a milk machine

You will have a child attached to your chest for the majority of your days. Errands will be strategically spaced between feedings and you may have to stop in a parking lot to feed a hungry baby. You will pump ounces of milk and try to get every last drop out of the bottle because you made it and it is liquid gold. 

It's incredible

All joking aside, it's amazing to be able to breastfeed. You get this warm little wriggling body and he clings to your hand or grabs onto your chain and you feel his breath on you and smell his sweet scent. I feel bad that men don't get to do this- so ladies- let your partner bond however else they want to, because they miss out on this.